


When The Sun Goes Down

by Popmypunk



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Case Fic, Drug Abuse, Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Not Wanted, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-07 00:53:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8776633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Popmypunk/pseuds/Popmypunk
Summary: con·trolkənˈtrōl/nounthe power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events.re·jectverbpast tense: rejectedrəˈjektdismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one's taste
Steve has a hell of a way of sprialing down hill.





	1. TTBE

I slammed my fist into the horn of my Silverado, could my life get any worse? I’m supposed to be in control, I am a Navy SEAL after all. These fucking past few months have been nothing but a shit storm that’s been testing my will to live. As the tears began to pour freely I gripped the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles began turning white. The sobbing began to get harder, to the point it was becoming harder to breathe. Thoughts began to race through my head as I received less oxygen, how long could I let myself continue on life this. 

I had to be in control. I HAD to be in control, I couldn't let myself be played a fool. I couldn't let anyone in my life be injured in anyway, any longer. I was a liability to anyone and everyone. Kono, Chin, Danny,Lou and even poor Grace were all going to be let down by the sorry excuse I am, I couldn't let that happen. 

I tried to calm my breathing, I've been taught better than this, to be showing my emotions, especially at work. Slowly I let my mind wander to the case we had at hand, work always distracted me. Some lowlife was trying to relocate their operation to the island and now left and right people were dropping like flies. I had to do my job and protect the people of Hawaii. I huffed out a few more ragged breaths and sighed.I WILL be in control, there was doubt. I cant let myself look as weak as I am, thats how the enemy will get us. 

I paused, I had to formulate my plan of action if I wanted to successfully make it through the day. Letting out one more final huff, I threw the the door open and willed myself out. I paused once more and put on my game face, letting any and every trace of my emotional break down be cleaned off my face. 

Taking my time getting into the building, I used the extra moments to gather ever last ounce of strength as I pushed open the glass doors. 

"Hey Boss. How-zit?" Kono asked with a small smile, the rest of them were all leaning against the smart table giving me peaceful looks. Now, me you wonder? I was standing there like a dumb ass, hadn't even responded.

"Uh Steven, I know they probably didn't teach you manners in your little GI Joe school, but the appropriate action would be to respond," Danny barked as he pushed himself up from a leaning position. Finally, it was like some switch flipped and a response came out of my mouth before I could even filter it.

"Damn it Daniel, it was the Navy. The Navy, you backwards rat." As the final word left my tongue, even I was taken back my the harsh tone they packed. Everyone had a look of shock on their face, good going Steve, what happened to being in control? 

"Look, babe you know I was just yank-"

" Save it Daniel." I gritted out as I turned my body and marched into my office, slamming the door and locking it. I even made the point of turning the shades, so no one could see me.

With a few strides I sat down at my desk, instantly putting my head into my hands. Didn't even take a few minutes for me to fuck that up. I sighed for what felt was like the millionth time today alone. Maybe it was for the best, they shouldn't be close to me at all. I'm a walking disaster,beyond pathetic. 

I pushed all thoughts of my down spiraling life away and made myself begin working, there was no use in having the rest of Hawai'i become another failure on my list. 

Opening folder after folder of information pertaining to the case, I began scanning over the papers for anything. Though, after five minutes I was back to the same dead end as before.  
Our victim, Erin Ramone, was a clean cut looking kid from the mainland who ended up dead in downtown Honolulu with a single GSW to the front of the head. According to Max's initial report this kid had enough benzos to kill a small elephant running through his system, which is what linked him to seven other murders. 

All these murders were the same, males, clean cut, single GSW to the head, all from the mainland,and system pumped full of benzos. They've all happened within the last week, given it was Spring Break, the timing made sense. The only factor about this all that made no sense was the fact the bodies kept getting dropped in the same place and neither HPD or us could get any footage or witness of the dumps. This case was making my head want to explode, among other things. Murder was one thing, but the fact they were bringing drugs into this place pissed him off. This was his home and he didn't like lowlifes trying to make it into something it wasn't. 

As much as I tried to focus on the case, I couldn't. Today had just wrecked me emotionally, all I wanted to go is go home and drink my weight in Long boards. Hell, it wasn't even 2 o'clock. All these thoughts came flooding into my head, but the one thing stood out. I wasn't in control and by this point, why am I even trying anymore. I continued to sit here having my own pity party, when the sound of feet moving towards my office broke me out of trance.  
I didn't move though, I didn't have the will to do so. So, when Danny began to rattle the knob I knew I'd have to move soon enough. 

"Steven, you do know I can see you right?" He had this tone in his voice, uncertainty. I didn't responded, I just gathered my folder about the case and pushed myself up into a standing position and paused. With the folder in my hands,I looked forward making eye contact with Danny. He had a one eyebrow cocked as he waved his hands," are you going to let me in Steven?" 

And as those words left his mouth something clicked in my brain, I shouldn't have to let these guys deal with a leader like.

"Steven?" Right, the eye contact. Before Danny could open his Jersey mouth I took the case files and threw them in the trash can. "Steven?" He asked again.

Carefully, I took my badge off my belt as well as my gun,throwing it on the with force.

"Steven , open this Goddamn door right now!" Danny was yelling at this point, drawing everyone else's attention. Great. Breaking eye contact I took large strides I moved towards the door, "Finally,Steven!" I didn't pay to the rest of the guys gathering around as I threw open the door and weaved my way around Danny.

"What the hell was that,Steven?!?" I didn't even respond, I just pushed him back as the rest of 5-O stepped forward. I didn't wait for anyone else to make a move, I just kept going right out of the doors with the remarks of the rest fading from my mind. 

By this point I was practically running towards by trunk and in few strides, I was throwing the cab door open and pulling out of the palaces parking lot and onto King Street. This was it.

\-----------------

DANNY'S POV

As Steve tore out of the office like a bat out of hell, I whipped around facing everyone else.

"What the hell was that?" I questioned. Everyone stayed put looking at me, as if they had the same thoughts running through their mind. Kono came forward and went straight into Steve's office. 

"Why the hell is his badge and gun on the desk?" 

 

I shook my head, "He also threw the case file in the trash."

Lou, Chin, and Kono's faces were stunned. I just stood there confused, one hand in my hair the other on my hip. "Uh, okay. This is NOT Steve. I mean, its 2:00 on a Monday and he's taken off. Plus, he wouldn't leave his weapon or badge like that.-" I breathed in. 

"Uh Chin, can you a trace on Steve's truck. Let's see where he's heading to."

Everyone was quite as we processed McGarrett's actions, what the hell happened? We all came back from lunch to find Steve wasn't in the office, like when we left.When he comes slinking in he's acting strange,normally is fine when we picker back and forth about his branch of service, but today I don't know what that was.

"Danny, you're going to like this?"

" Dear God,what?"

"Steve's Sliverado is in the harbor."


	2. Take This To Your Grave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tick, tick,tick,tick,tick............

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pardon if the any details about vehicles are incorrect, I am not a mechanic. Also, the term 'life tool' refers to a small instrument commonly kept in vehicles in case of submersion. 
> 
> Please note: Any streets, places, and or bodies of water are real unless otherwise stated.

It felt like my foot was permanently glued to the gas pedal,as reckless abandonment ran through my veins. Disregarding any traffic signs and almost ever law, I took a sharp turn onto Alakea Street as my speed slowly crept higher. If I couldn't keep the control at work, why am I even trying anymore? The events back at the palace began to run through my head, I knew I snapped at Danny over nothing, I mean he pulls that stunt almost every day. The words just came out of my mouth faster then I could filter. I was already having a bad day and adding that on top of it, I lost it. Correcting Danny on the branch I served was something I could control, so I did it.

 Sounds of blaring horns brought me back to the road, I was hitting about 85 went I realized there was another light coming up. I knew I didn't have enough time to hit the brakes, so when the light turned green I sent a silent thanks up to God. Taking another sharp left turn onto Ala Moana Blvd I pushed all the way down on the gas pedal. Horns kept blaring as I weaved in and out of the cars. I was starting to realize why criminals liked a chase, it was liberating.I followed the bend in the road and as the truck hit 100 mph, this truck never has hit such a speed before.

 Suddenly, as if my life couldn't become any more of a cosmic joke, the front right axle of the truck dropped causing me to start spinning out. I ended up going over a small median and a thin pedestrian path heading straight into the drink. Within seconds I could see the water start coming into the cab of the truck.I just sat there letting the fact I was sinking take over me, did I really want to get out? My brain was going at 1000 miles an hour, but once the water hit my ankles my Naval training kicked in. Unhooking the Life Tool that Danny oh so kindly got me last year- "You're an animal. Steven! This is the reason you need this! Its extra protection for not only you, but me!"- and I used all my force slamming the tool into the window.

The window was luckily one thing that didn't cause me trouble and broke with one hit, sending a wave of water into the cab of the truck. Quickly removing my seat belt I made my way out of the window, letting the truck sink under me.  I let myself float in the water for a few moments, police would be responding soon. I had to get out of here, I couldn't explain myself anymore. I made my way to the surface, taking in a big gulp of air. I was facing Ala Moana Blvd, at least I knew where I was. There was a boat club only a few yards away, I could get onto dry land and slip out before any police came. Yeah, thats what I'll do.

Taking in one more breath I went under, swimming in the opposite direction.  In only a few minutes I was pulling myself up onto the dry ground behind FLIGHT boat club. My hands went to my knees automatically to knees, as iI gave myself a few moments to process the events that just transpired. I wasn't injured, just shaken up. As I stayed hunched over the sound of blaring sirens began to get closer and closer. I knew I had to get going, I wouldn't doubt Five-O would be showing up soon, with the fast response time and all.

 Standing up and using the last shred of effort I had, I took off in the opposite direction of the sirens. I had to get out of here. 

* * *

"Excuse me, what?"

 "GPS is pinning his truck as in the harbor."

 "No,no! Chin,you see I thought you just said that Stevens truck was in the harbor! Why would Stevens truck be in the harbor when we have perfectly acceptable roads for him to be on?!" I was practically screaming at this point. Everyone had the same damn confused look on their face, I surely couldn't be the only person who thought this was absurd. About continue on yelling, I was stopped when I felt a delicate yet firm grip pull me in the direction of the door.

 "Come on Danny, let's go make sure Boss is okay....."

 Everything happened so quickly. One moment we were out of the palace and packed in Lou's suburban and the next we were pulling up to about six different police cars.  I didn't even wait for Lou to put the car in park, I was out the door and running over to where Duke stood.

 "Where is Steve? Is he okay?!" I blurted out. Duke looked at me with a eyebrow raised and a confused look plastered on his face, "McGarrett? I haven't seen him today?"

 I sucked in a breath. The look on my face must of said something to Duke, cause next thing you know he was pulling over some beat cop that was first on scene.

 "What was the vehicle description?" He commanded.

 The poor kid couldn't have been more then a few weeks out of the academy, cause as soon as the words left Duke's mouth he began visibly sweating.

 "Uh... 2016 Navy Blue Chevrolet Silverado 1500 Crew Cab Z71," mumbled the rookie.

 Wasting no time at all, Duke marched over to what could only be a divers command station and barked a new set of orders quickly.

 " Commander McGarrett is down there, I repeat Commander McGarrett is down there. Let's hurry this up NOW!" As if Steve was a God, everyone started moving faster as if them burning holes in the pavement could pull McGarrett out of the water.By this point Chin,Kono, and Lou had made there way to Duke and I.

"What happened,Duke?" Questioned Chin, concern present in his eyes.

"We don't yet, we got a few calls a little bit ago about a reckless driver coming down Alakea Street, then next think you know our switchboards are getting flooded with calls about a truck spinning into the harbor.-"

We all remained silent, but the main question was obvious. What was going on with Steve?

 " I didn't know it was McGarrett, until...well you all showed up." Duke was probably thinking the same thing we all were. As he finished two guys clad in wet gear made their way to into the ground with no Steve. I immediately pushed my way to them, "Where is he?!" I yelled, sending the diver jumping back a bit.

"There was no gentleman in the truck sir, the window was broken. We believe the driver fled the scene. We're pulling the truck up now." I didn't even respond, I just whipped around and marched over to the rest.

"Is Steve-." I cut Kono off, " No one is in there, the window is broken so he got out." By this point my hair was going everywhere, I had ran my hand through it so many times I was practically burning it off.We stood around the diving station for a while as people continued to move about in the attempt to pull the truck out of the harbor. Deciding I couldn't wait around any longer, I whipped around to Lou, "Give me the keys to your Suburban, I have to see if he's going to his house."

 Luckily, Lou didn't put up a fight he just handed over the keys with a small nod. " Danny, Wha-", I cut Kono off quickly. " Start scanning the area, this just happened, the Neanderthal couldn't have gotten that far."

With a quick turn of the heel I began jogging in the direction of the Suburban. In a few quick movements I was in the car and pulling out in the direction of McGarrett's house, I was going to find him and kick his ass. 

* * *

 

Luckily I still had my wallet when I got back onto land, cause within a minutes of running I flagged down a cab and hoped in, giving the young driver the directions to my place.

 "Sir, If you don't mind me asking, why are you all wet?" I let out a chuckle, "Couldn't resit taking a swim."

The driver deemed my response fine with a chuckled and nod of the head. He must of sensed I wasn't very chatty cause he didn't try to continue the conversation. I was glad, I just let myself slump against the window as the island passed by. I sighed again, when the hell did my life turn into this mess?

 I was doing good for a long time until the damn liver transplant. Ever since the second I woke up things had been different between Danny and I. It started of with just small things, there was no more bickering between us and occasionally he would forget to pick me up in the mornings. Then it started to grow into something more, he suddenly quit coming around,  and quit bringing Grace around. He began bringing Lou,Chin, or Kono instead of me when we had cases.The worst part of it all was, now it was starting to rub off on the rest of the guys. They all began acting off, they no longer would ask me to come to lunch with them, they stopped making conversation with me outside of cases,and quit showing up for our normal get together at Side Street.

 At first I got angry and wanted to lash out at them, scream, ask why, but I figured there was a reason Danny and the rest were shutting me out. I agreed with myself that I might as well make it easier on them, so , I started drinking again. Now I know I was advised to permanently abstain from drinking, but at this point I figured it would be a easier way out. I could kill off the part of me that ruined my friendship with Danny and the rest of Five-O, plus rid them of myself.

As a SEAL I was trained to never be taken down, never to take the easy way out, never let the enemy get to you. The thing is, I'm just so tired. I can't do this anymore.

 I was on the verge of tears once again but before I could even let a tear fall out of the corner of my eye, I saw a black suburban passing the cab quickly. Normally I wouldn't care about passing cars, but Danny was driving this one. Fuck.

 "Hey, change of address, can you take me to Pearl Harbor-Hickman Base instead?"


	3. Aloha ‘oe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wits end with no friends.

The driver didn't bat an eyelash, just nodded and made the next left, turning the cab around. The traffic wasn't as bad as normal today, so the eight mile drive went by in a flash. By this point I was well on my way to getting dry, so when the cab pulled up to the entrance of the base ,after paying and a few extra strides, I was dry. Got to love the Hawaiian heat.

Even though my status was currently  reserve, walking onto base always lifted my mood. Something about leaving your problems at the door and focusing on the bigger picture, just was what I needed at this moment. Forcing smiles and waving to other soldiers as I passed by, I sped up my pace and made a B-line to the Commanding Officers quarters. As much as Hawai'i was my supposed to be my home, the Navy always gave me something no one has ever given me before, as sense of want. All the missions I led and the people I saved, it all made my country a better place.

 "Son, are you just going to stand there or are you going to come in?" I blinked, I must have knocked without realizing or Joe just could feel me coming. "Uh,yeah." I responded as I slinked my way into his home.

 Joe's home was like the he was a solider, tight, clean and defiantly in order.

 "Not that I don't like your visits, but why are you here, son?" I turned around and didn't respond, I kind of just gave him a blank look. Straight to the point.

 "What's wrong?" I chuckled, I've known Joe since I was 18, of course he could tell something was wrong. He motioned for me to sit.

 I let out a breath of air as I sat, " I want to reactive my status." Joe wasn't phased, he simple pushed on, "Son, I asked you whats wrong." He stated.

 I looked down and began speaking, "I'm getting tired of this all Joe, I cant keep doing this." Joe was the only person who knew most of the truth. I mean when you're in the Navy, you cant hide much from your Commanding Officer. Plus, Joe was the reason I could continue on with BUDS training, he convinced the therapist who failed me on my physch test that I was fine and just homesick. Though, as a condition of Joe helping me out, I had to be completely honest with him or he'd personally kick my ass out.

"Son, what do you mean by 'this'?" I could tell he was trying to see if I was suicidal. I don't know if you'd call this mind set suicidal, but whatever.

 "Hawai'i, Five-O, no family. The list just goes on." I sighed leaning back. "Thats why I want to go back into active duty, the Navy never led me stray. I got what I signed up for and thats more then I could ask for." He kept looking at me, as if staring at me will fix all my problems 

"Steve, you do realize you have all that?" He questioned. It was my turn to look at him, he obviously couldn't understand what I meant. "Son, I know you've had your fare share of problems, but what you want is right in front of you." Once again, I didn't respond. 

"You have the family in front of you. Daniel and Grace, Chin,Kono,Lou and I. Plus so many more Steve. You lead the Governors Task force and you protect this island every day and night, you have everything you want son and you know that." That was the final straw for me, I got angry. I jumped to my feet.

"YOU, DO NOT KNOW WHAT I HAVE." I screamed, Joe through me a harsh look, with that I lowered my voice."You do not know what I have, I have nothing. I don't have what I want, Danny's left me. Grace doesn't come around anymore, because of Danny. All because of the damn liver, he should have let me DIE. Now what ever this is rubbed off on Chin,Lou, and Grover. I cant do this. They don't want a task force led by a pathetic SEAL who cant keep it together. I'm pathetic, I cant." I cried out, slumping back to his couch letting my hands. 

"McGarrett, you know thats not true. You know who you are and you know what you can bring to protect Hawai'i." I didn't look up, I was trying so hard not to completely break down in front of Joe."Son, you need a break." 

I snorted,"Yeah Joe, thats why I want to reactivate my status."

 "Son, thats not a smart idea. You need a vacation, go off the grid. Take some alone time." I looked up at him, the gears in my head turning.

 "How about this son, well change your status and call the Governor and tell her you're on special assignment indefinitely and that you want to step down from lead of Five- 0. Then, you're going to take a trip to Moloka'i and spend some time relaxing. I want you to get in a better frame of mind, I hear Moloka'i has some great island therapists. Take advantage of them. Thats an order son, you hear me." Joe was barking orders like he was working with cadets, he must be serious.

"Son like I said, you need a break. I'm giving you an opportunity to have a break. Now take it." Joe was standing at this point, looking at me with a stern fatherly look. A break, hes right. Thats what I need.

 "Sure, Joe. I'll take it."

 With quick nod, he moved into the office of his house, I knew he was going for his phone to call the Governor. Was I really doing this? Was I really running? With a quick snort,my brain and I came to a consensus, hell yeah I was. Maybe Joe was right, I need a break. I needed to get out of my head and thats what I'm going to do. 

* * *

 

I slammed the door to the suburban and marched straight to McGarrett's door. I didn't even bother knocking, I just whipped out the key he had given me a way back and walked right in. "Steven J McGarrett! Get your ass out here right now!" My voice radiated through out the house, but there was no sound. I began marching around the house, looking for any sign that he was here. The thing is,the deeper I got into the house the more horrified I became. Things were strewn all across the place, it was dark and dusty. It looked like no one had been spending time downstairs, the state of this place in no way reflected the Steve I know. What was going on with him? Finally I made it to the kitchen and this is where I knew something had to be horribly wrong with Steve. The kitchen looked like a tornado ripped through it, pot and pans were on the floor strewn across counter. There was broken glass all around and the refrigerator door was open, but it was off and not holding any food. Jesus.

 Stepping out of the kitchen, I let out a breath. I couldn't help but feel bad, why hadn't I seen something was wrong with Steve earlier? I had to find, I and to talk to him. Heading up the stairs,I turned the corner and was brought face to face with the Steve's bedroom door, my stomach dropped. Maybe he was in there? Slowly pushing the door open I gasped, Steve's room was worse then his kitchen. The bed was askew from the frame, his sheets were draped across the floor and there was a small pile of shirts near the bathroom door that were obviously covered in blood, but no Steve.

At this point I was shaking, how could I have not seen this? I leaned against the door frame and sank down, how did I miss this?

Shakily pulling out my phone, I dialed Kono.

 "Danny? Did you find him?" Straight to the point, thats Kono for you.

I let out a small breath, "You guys need to get here now. I didn't find him, but you guys need to see this."


	4. Choke On Your Misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Make It Easy, Say I Never Mattered.

It didn't take long for Joe to have the Governor on the phone. He made the call quick and fast, explaining the 'situation' at hand and how I was going to be stepping down from 5-0 indefinitely. I was slumped on Joe's couch, hearing his end of the conversation to the Governor. It seemed to be going well, until I heard the steady thunk of Joe's boots come my way. 

"Son, she wants a word with you." I nodded and took the cordless phone out of my hand. 

"Yes, Governor?" I pushed out quickly, attempting to keep even the smallest ounce of professionalism. 

"Commander, care to explain the sudden withdrawal from 5-0?" The new Governor was straight forward, but she still didn't know the ways of the island. 

"Ma'am, that information is classified. I'm going to be working once again with my old Naval team. That is the extent of what I can say." 

I heard a sigh through the phone, "Commander, I believe you're not telling me something. Though, given the Naval involvement, I will grant your withdrawal. I do hope you will be able to come back to assisting our island, Commander." 

I let out a breath, "Thank you very much ma'am." 

I was about to let out another breath of relief, when she spoke once more. "Commander, one more thing." 

"Yes ma'am?" 

"Next time you drive, let’s make sure your truck doesn't end up in one of my harbors."

* * *

 

Luckily for me Joe quicker then I was in my depressed state, within moments of ending the call he already had a Huey set up to take me to a landing in the city of Kaunakakai, which was a place I was familiar with. 

“Come on Steve, lets head to the helipad.” I nodded and stood, beginning to follow Joe out of his home and out on base. I followed Joe like a puppy, nodding occasionally as people waved my way. 

“Son, what are you going to do about clothes?” I shot Joe a sly grin, “I’ll find something once I get to Moloka’i.” He chuckled, the helicopter was coming into sight. 

“Well son, keep in contact. Whenever you’re ready to head back call me and I’ll get you back home.” I looked at him thoughtfully, letting everything come over me once more "What if I don’t want to come home?” 

The sound of the helicopter blades began flood my brain as Joe began speaking -loudly-some more, “Then you’re going to owe me the full truth and a beer or two.” I put my head down. 

“Now, give me your phone.” I looked up and cocked an eyebrow. “Give me your phone. Off the grid, remember Steve? Plus, you don’t want the rest of 5-0 tracking you, right?” Nodding I dug into my pocket and placed the iPhone in Joe’s hand.

“You know how to contact me Steve, remember to relax.” 

With that I stepped on the helicopter. 

* * *

 

I stayed in my slumped position for what seemed like forever, until I heard tires pulling up in the gravel drive way. Within moments I heard the feed pounding one the ground and soon Lou’s deep voice. 

“Williams, where are you?” There was caution in his voice, I could tell from upstairs. Going out on a limb, I bet they all probably had their guns drawn after seeing the state of McGarrett’s house. There were a few gasps here and there as I heard feet surveying the perimeter of the house, they probably were thinking the same thing.

I let out a sigh and yelled, “Up here!” Immediately three sets of feet made their way up the stair case. I saw Chin’s figure come into my sight, he didn't even acknowledge me, just began to clear the room. There was a soft gasp, turning my head I saw Kono frozen in the door way with a shocked looking Lou.

 “Danny, where’s Steve?” I just shook my head, I couldn't find the right words to say. We all stayed quite letting our surroundings wash over us, the main thought of Steve on our minds. Lou put his hand out, silently telling me to get up. I took his hand, standing up and finally speaking. 

“He wasn't here. The house was a complete mess, I just… I don’t know.” Another moment of silence. “Well, we can’t just stand here. We got to find McGarrett. Let’s search the house to see if we can find out what’s going on with our guy.” Everyone nodded in agreement, but didn't move. With everything going on, keeping our Ohana close is what we needed. “Let’s start in the bathroom.” 

Two steps in and we were all sickened. The bathroom was just as bad as the rest of the house. The bathroom mirror was shattered, as if someone had thrown their fist into it. There were tiny dots of blood that trickled from the mirror and into the basin of the skin. As for the rest of the bathroom? You probably can catch my drift.

McGarrett has a big bathroom, so luckily the four of us in here wasn't as crowded as you'd think. We were all frozen, for what felt like the millionth time today. What on earth was going on with McGarrett? The man was our rock. Our eyes wandered the rest of the bathroom, taking in every little detail of the place. There was this feeling in the room, something was out of place. It was like a black cloud was hanging over the McGarrett household. 

“Etizolam ? Isn't that for night terrors?” I whipped my head around to the sound of Chin’s voice.

 “What?”

 “These pills, I’m pretty sure some of them are for night terrors?” I cocked an eyebrow at Chin, “Some?”

“The other ones have different numbers on the top, plus I can’t seem to find the prescription bottle for them.”

 “What’s the number on the back of the pill, I’ll look it up.” Chimed in Kono.

 “2684.”

 We kept looking around, I need to find Steve.

“Uh, guys?” We all made eye contact with Kono, subtly prompting her to go on.

 “Those pills are Valium.”

 I could feel my brain physically short circuiting, why did Steve have Valium and Etizolam?

Before anyone could even speak up, my phone went off.

 “Who is it?” Asked Lou.

 “The Governor.”

 I didn't bat an eyelash, I just whipped open the phone and answered the call. “Ma’am?”

 “Detective Williams, can I have a word with you?

 “Yes ma’am. Also, Governor, you’re on speaker with the rest of 5-0,” there was a soft chuckle on the other end of the phone. “Well that makes things easier- “, easier?

“Let me get to the point, Detective Williams you are going to be taking command of Five-0.” Before she could continue Lou butt in, “Wait what? What about McGarrett?”

 “Well Mr. Grover, as I was going to say before I was interrupted, Commander McGarrett has had his Naval status reactivated and will be on leave indefinitely. All other information is classified.” I growled, screw professionalism. “Excuse me what? We’re his ohana, I don’t give a flying fuck about classified, tell us where he is!”

The soft chuckle was back, “Detective, I’m going to pretend that you weren't out of line there. I cannot tell you anymore information Detective, because I do not know either. A Commander White called to explain that the Navy needed McGarrett’s services. When I spoke with him he didn't say anything more then what I was already told.” White? Fuck, Joe.

 “You spoke with him?” Kono asked.

 “Yes, I did. I felt as if he wasn't telling me something, so I wanted to speak with him. Though I've only had few encounters with Commander McGarrett, I believe he was acting off. With this and his driving mishap into the harbor, I believe there is something wrong here. This is not the Commander that Mr. Denning so high of.” The four of exchanged glances, I wonder how the Governor found out about his truck so fast.

 “Ma’am we have to agree, were looking into this.” Gritted out Chin. “That’s good Mr. Kelly. See to it that we get all this straighten out. I did enjoy having Commander McGarrett assisting our island.

 “Us too.” 

* * *

 

 

The helicopter ride to the island was faster than I would expect, one minute I was stepping on the helicopter and the next I was on the island.

* * *

 

 I made it to an extended stay hotel quickly. Luckily the front desk lady wasn't chatty. She just took my information and shoved a key in my direction, sending me off on my merry way with a subtle "enjoy your stay".

 I wanted to snort. I wanted to be sarcastic and quip something rude back, because I knew for a fact I would be doing anything but 'enjoying my stay'. I came out here to get my emotions in check. To make sure when or if I return to 5-O, I could successfully handle myself. I could no longer allow my emotions to get in the way of the job. I grunted, I guess I was becoming soft. This would have never happened if I was still active duty. 

I was stumbling all around the hotel, haphazardly throwing my bag across the hotel room. All my thoughts and feelings were rushing back into my head, as if the idea of being alone and knowing I wasn't going to be interrupted was going to be my downfall. 

Alone, my favorite word. Alone, what I've been since birth. Alone, something that would never change. Alone.

 I landed on the bed, looking up towards the ceiling. I snorted, running from your problems can be a hell of a tiring act.


	5. Sometimes We Take Chances,Sometimes We Take Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My insides are copper, I'd kill to make them gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reading!

Snapping the phone shut I looked up to meet the eyes of everyone else. We were all speechless, how did today turn into such a shit storm?

"Okay, we need to find Steve. You all know as well as I this is not the Steven we know or love and we need to get to the bottom of this now." Everyone simply nodded in agreement, waiting for my next words.

"Were treating this like a crime scene, but were not going to let this get out. This is going to be a 5-0 matter and ours alone. Chin, I want you to get back on the horn with the Governor and ask for a week's worth of time where we can be deactivated. Tell her we are going to be getting to the bottom of 'this'." I paused, slowly raising my hand to my head. I could tell there are many sleepless nights in my future until we find Steve.

"Lou, I want you to call Pearl-Hickman and ask, no wait, demand a meeting with Joe. That damn weasel has something to do with Steve's disappearing act and I intend to know every last bit. Kono, you're with me. Let's go grab gloves and start combing this place." There was no lip, everyone nodded and went to get their task at hand.

As soon as Lou and Chin left the bathroom, Kono slowly approached me. "How are you doing Danny?"

I looked up at her and huffed out an agitated breath. "How do you think? The man I love is AWOL and I'm just now finding out that he wasn't as okay as he seemed. I feel like a failure and an asshole Kono. That's how I'm doing."

 She gave me a sad smile, "We're going to get Steve back Danny, okay? And the moment everything settles down, you're going to tell him! No more 'what if' games Danny! He deserves to know."

"Yeah, you're right. It's just scary,okay?"

She gave me a sad smile, " Scary, but worth it."

I snorted, "worth it you say? How is it worth it? I'm going to tell a major fucking secret and get a fist straight to the face." She raised an eyebrow, " Why would he hit you? He loves you Danny."

Moving out of the bathroom and back into the torn to high hell bedroom, I responded to her ridiculous remark. " Love? How? He's heterosexual Kono, remember? Cathrine."

It was Kono's turn to snort, "Trust me, he's not. I know he loves you Danny, he's told me he does. You and Grace are the only things that keep him on this island. Not back in the Navy." I must have looked at her like she sprouted six heads, cause started snapping her fingers in my face.

"Only Grace and I?" I questioned. She nodded.

"Oh fuck, I think I know why Steve ran off."

* * *

 

 I was frozen to the cheap hotel bed, sadness running through my veins. I couldn't bring myself to move. The room was dark and the air was stale, but with every breath I took a burning ran through my veins.My brain was still short curicuting, all off this wasnt me. I couldn't bring myself to be the man I should be.

I looked at my watch,it was already 8pm. I was kind of glad, this ass of a day was going to be over. Willing myself, I pushed up from the hotel bed and attempted to locate my bag that was thrown across the room. I made my way over and pulled the duffle bag onto the single person table and began to unzip it. As the teeth of the pulled apart something dawned upon me, I didn't have my pills. I wanted to hit my head against the wall, of course I wouldn't of had my pills. The duffle bag of given to me by the pilot of the Huey, it only had some extra PT close, it didn't even have underwear or socks. I groaned, I needed my Etizolam, hell even my Valium. There was no way I could sleep without them. I stood hands on the zipper of the duffle bag, what was I going to do?

Could I go without? I tried to remember when the last time I slept without the assistance of my pills, it had to have been when Catherine was around. Cathrine, another thing that failed. I mean the true reason she probably left was to get away from me, I guess I just weighed her down. I scoffed, love doesn't exist and Catherine leaving just proves it.

 I couldn’t go without my pills, with the way today was the last thing I wanted to add on top of it was night terrors.Sleeping had become a personal hell, all the personal and professional mistakes I've made in my life haunted me at night. The only way around the vivid imagery of ‘Steven J McGarrett’s lifetime of fuck ups’ invading my sleep was my personal bedtime remedy of a longboard or two and a Valium and Etizolam. That mix knocked my ass out within minutes and shut my brain off for the whole night. I sure as hell was the poster boy for liver transplants. I began laughing, oh man, if only Danny knew. Im sure he would kick my ass, drinking. On top of that, drinking and taking prescription medication. Plus, taking a sabbatical and forgetting my anti rejection medication! Man, even my subconscious wanted me dead.

 Finally moving my body, I started towards the door, I had to some pills. As I let myself out of my room I tried to reason with myself, was it ethical for a military man like myself to seek medication not from a pharmacy? I slowly walked down the hallway towards the elevator. I'm the leader of a government task force, what is someone saw me? As if a Devil and Angel were sitting on my shoulder my subconscious corrected my previous thought. I 'was' the leader of Five-0. Plus,Five-0 never really made an appearance on the smaller islands like Moloka’i. As I stepped into the elevator, I came to the conclusion it wasn't a bad thing to seek out other methods of acquiring medication in my situation, I just forgot to bring my medication and was temporarily seeking replacements for the time being. That's all.

 I mean going through the proper channels would cause more of a delay right?

 

* * *

 

 

 

 I made it to the front desk in a matter of a few stride and rang the bell, “I’ll be with you, one moment!”

I waited, within minutes someone other than the lady who checked me in came to the counter. The short Hawaiian gentleman, who was dressed in laid back attire addressed me. “How can I help you sir?”

 I choked for a moment, was I going to ask the guy straight on where I can find a guy to supply me? What if the guy didn't know or worse, what if he called the police. That would be the last thing I need, I could see the headlines now “Former Task Force Leader Arrested”.

 “Uh do you know where the nearest clothing store is?” I rushed out. With a quick smile the the guy responded, “ Well Sir we have limited selection here, due to the size of the town but I would have to recommend ‘Something For Everybody’ off Maluolu Pl. It is a discount store, but I do believe you'll be able to find what you need. I take it you forgot some clothing?”

 “Something like that.” I chuckled out. The man smiled, “Well sir, is there anything else I could help you out with?” I froze again, should I ask? How do I ask?

 “Sir?”

“Uhdoyouknowwhereicouldaquirecertianthings?” I rushed out, hoping he could magically understand me.

 “Pardon me sir, I didn't quite catch that. Could you repeat that one more time?” I must be visibly sweating at this point.

“Do you happen to know anyone or anywhere I can get certain, uh things?” I questioned. The man cocked an eyebrow and gave me a once over. “ Things you say? We'll, pardon me if I'm incorrect, but are you a baker?”

I threw him a strange look, baker? “Baker?”

“That is correct sir, are you a baker?”

 “Excuse me?”

“It's okay sir. We have had a few customers inquire where to get certain items to bake items such as brownies and such. I can assist you with that.”

Did this guy think I was trying to get weed? Who the fuck calls them a baker if you smoke weed?

 “I'm actually looking for something stronger than your normal ingredients for brownies, if you know what I mean.” The guys smiled once again and nodded, “ Certainly Sir, here is the address of someone who can assist you with getting any and all ingredients for your baking endeavors.” He slipped me a folded map of Moloka’i with the number to the person who could help me. I nodded, accepting the paper and muttering a thank you as I turned to leave the hotel. That sure was a strange as hell way of trying to get pills.

Walking at a steady pace, I went to pull out my cellphone only to realize I had handed it over to Joe, fuck. Scanning my surroundings my eyes caught the glimpse of a worn pay phone tucked next to a Quicky Mart. Jogging over to the phone, I jammed my hand into my now completely dry jean and fished a few quarters out. Sliding them into the slot, my fingers jammed the square numbers dialing the number.

“You got Seeley.” A rough voice spit out. “ Yes, hello. I was given your number, I was told you could get me certain ‘ingredients’?” The man on the other chuckled, “You got that right, I can deliver. What are you in the market for today? Pakalolo? Ice?”

“Uh Valium and if possible, Etizolam?”

“Valium is a can do buddy, but Etizolam I don't hav. I can do Zolpidem though, I mean they practically work in the same manner.” :: “Wait you mean Ambien?” I question, Jesus this guy knew his shit.

“That's correct there buddy! How much do you want?”

“ 12 pills each please”

“Awesome, that's going to be about $60. Will that do?”

 “Yeah, where do I go to meet you?” I questioned.

“Nowhere, I'll meet you! Just tell me where you are and I'll be there quick!” He seemed way too happy about this, but even though I was getting freaked I told him anyway.

“I'm at the gas station on Hotel Ln, I'm the guy by the pay phone.”

“Awesome! I live right down the road, I'll be there soon. Can I get a name by the way?”

“John, uh or you can just call me J”

 “Well J, I think I see you, mind waving?”

I put my phone down to my hip and waved my other arm. A blue F-150 rolled into the parking lot, stopping right in front of the pay phone.

With the door open, out came a well built Caucasian guy with a buzz cut.

“J?”

“Seeley?” He smiled and strolled his way up to me. He was a clean cut looking guy ( even though I've learned we're the worse,normally).

 “Are you from Moloka’i? You don't look like you're from around here.”

 “From Honolulu, just vacationing here I guess.”

He laughed, “ well I'll be damned okay, I knew someone as good looking as you couldn't be from here.” I began to blush and look at my feet like some damn middle schooler.

 “Uh thanks, here's the $60.” I responded in a poor attempt to speed the process along, It was getting late. At the sight of the money he perked up even more and took a few steps closer to me, grabbing my hand quickly taking the money. “ And here is what you asked for”, he said as slid his hand into the front pocket of my jeans. Copping a feel as he left my pills. I stiffened but didn't say a word, maybe this had been a bad idea.  

We stayed still for a moment, then gently took his hand out and smiled. “ Well, if that's all I'll see you around J. You got my number if you want anything else.” He said drawing out the word ‘anything’. With a wink he turned and made his way back into his truck, throwing it into reverse and leaving the gas station parking lot. As if it was becoming a common theme in my life, after willing myself my legs began moving back to the hotel room for the night. But all I could think was, did I just use the equivalent of Postmate for pills?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steven, Steven, Steven. Man, what are we going to do with you?


	6. What's The Worst Thing I Could Say?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out first hand what it's like to be me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a great day y'all.

The trip back to the hotel was quicker then I thought, within minutes of getting my pills from Seeley I was walking back into the hotel lobby. “Find all your baking ingredients, sir?” I looked up, caught the eye of the front desk guy who helped me before. “Yeah I did. Thanks.”

With a curt nod I picked up my speed and booked it to the elevator, this was embarrassing for me. Jamming the elevator button I slid my hand down into the pocket Seeley left my pills. I pulled them out, letting the wad spread out in my hand, two sandwich baggies of pills laid in my hand. I let my eyes rake over the bag, had I really just bought pills off a stranger? What if their laced with something? Ding! My head shot up as I realized this was my floor, quickly shoving the pills back into my pocket I stepped out of the elevator. With a few quick steps I was in front of my room and sliding the key into the lock and pushing my way into the room. I let out a breath of air and paused, once again, did I just do that.

Throwing caution to the wind for the millionth time today, I pulled the pills back out of my pocket and threw them on the table. Pausing and looking at the pills, I turned around and ripped the mini bar door open and took the largest bottle I could find, a bottle of Fireball. Screwing my face in disgust, I picked up the bottle and cracked the cap. If it can do the job, might as well. Tossing back a big gulp I grimace, Fireball was some nasty shit. I began looking at the pills on the table again, should I take them? ] Standing there I let the pros and the cons run through my head, but the thing that come out of top was the fact I was so damn tired. I was tired of living, tired of not being loved, tired of being awake.

“Fuck it”, I grabbed the pills and shook a few out of the bag, downing it with some Fireball. I didn't even dare to wait for the pills to kick in, before I began getting settled for the night. I moved around the room thinking I had a duffel bag but quickly realized I didn't. I was going to curse myself for letting pills take precedence over clean clothing, but calmly though I could just wear my birthday suite. I mean hey? No one is here with me and I can just put on my old clothes before heading out to get more clothes for the length of my stay.

Length of my stay? Jesus I thought, taking a swig of Fireball how long was I going to stay? How was I going to face everyone? Especially Danny? Taking another swing with every racing thought , a fuzz began to swallow my thoughts as I focused on preparing for bed. Thinking about when I have to go face my demons is a thought for another day. I had managed to wrestle my clothing off in my increasingly inebriated state and made my way into the bathroom. Looking at the big jacuzzi bathtub I opted for taking a bath and began drawing it as I slide into the tub. The warm water began to engulf my lower body as I leaned against the tub. The combination of booze, pills, and warm water slowly lulled me into a sleepy state. Maybe closing my eyes a few moments would be so bad.

* * *

 

 Kono whipped her head around, “Excuse me? You know why Steve ran off?” Her face was torn between anger and sympathy, but knowing Kono, either way her showing an array of emotion this quickly wasn't the best thing. 

I must have looked guilty as hell, because her face slowly morphed into complete anger. “Kono, what hap-” I was quickly cut off by Lou popping his head into the room. 

“I just got off the phone with Joe, he wants to talk to us all. Come on, let’s head over there now. We can always head back here and finish looking over the place after.” I let out a silent prayer, thank God I didn't have to respond to Kono.

“Our conversation isn't over yet Danny, just wait.” 

* * *

 We made it to Pearl-Hickman in a record amount of time, flashing our badges we made it into the base and both parking quickly. 

Stepping out of the car I weaved my way over to Lou and spoke, “Where is Joe?” 

“ Said he was in quarters, let’s head over there.” I nodded and began following the large man, the rest following him too. As we approached the row of homes, a door opened and out stepped a man, Joe. My anger went from the resting level of 10 and skyrocketed straight up to a level of 100. “You son of a fucking bitch!” I screamed as I picked up my speed to meet Joe. Being the military man he is, he wasn't phased by my outburst. “Son, calm down. I know you want to know where Steve took off to, I will tell you. We just need to talk first-.” Taking a quick glance over me he spoke again, “ All of you.” 

Feeling a hand on my shoulder I looked to my side, it was Chin. He had his damn Buddha look on his face as he gently pushed me to follow Joe into his home. We all piled into the military home, trailing after Joe. As we entered the living room he motioned for us to sit down, so we did. 

“ So I take it you all want to know where Steve is?” He didn't even wait for us to nod before he continued to speak. “What makes you think I should tell you where he went? What makes you think you all deserve to know?” His voice dropped as he began to seethe at us. His anger started to piss me off, so I began to become more vocals at Joe. “We're here aren't we? We care, so why shouldn't we fucking know?” He turned his head slightly and gave me a look that would make The Hulk cry. 

“Why shouldn't you know? Excuse me? Maybe you shouldn't know because you all are the damn problem in the first place? Are you fucking kidding me? I shouldn't have to be speaking to you all like this, you are grown ass adults, not high school students! You’re games are over, then end here and now. And maybe, just maybe I’ll let you all know where I sent Steven, just maybe!” Joe had his fists balled and his skin was red with anger, he honest to God looked like he was ready to kill us all. Feeling as if I had just been reprimanded by my father, I chose not to speak. 

“What? No words from Mr. Jeresy himself? Cat got your tongue?” Joe mocked as I kept my mouth shut. 

“Joe, we spent all day so far looking for McGarrett, making sure he was alive, attempting to get to the bottom of whatever ‘this’ is. If we did something, we didn't do it intentionally. We just want our boss back, our Steve, the leader of our ohana. Please Joe, just tell us where he is and how to fix this.” Chin popped in, of course, leave it to Chin Ho Kelly to calmly fix everything. Joe took Chin’s comment and began to simmer down a bit, but as quick as it began he went back to raising his voice. 

“Now, this didn't really have much to do with you all” He said as he waved to Chin, Lou, and Kono before directing a finger towards me. “Now you on the other hand, I don't know what your problem is.” 

Joe’s eyes were on fire, if his finger was gun I would have been dead. “ Steve told me somethings and now I want the answers. You are going tell me the truth or so help me God, you’re going to discover parts of this island that you never knew existed.” I wanted to make a smart ass comment, but decide against it purely based off his looks. I only nodded, allowing Joe to continue on. 

“Why were you pulling back from Steve after the liver transplant? Why was the last time you went around Steve’s was before the accident? Why haven't you let him see Grace? You know that is a low move Danny, you know that man loves that girl like his own. Now don't even get me started on the fact you haven't even allowed Steven to get to know Charlie.” He wasn't yelling, in fact he was all too calm. I actually might of preferred if he was yelling, might have made the shocked and equally curious looks everyone in the room were giving me easier.

 “I-I-I-I”,I was at a complete loss for words, had Steve picked up on me pulling back? My silence was my surrender,my admission of guilt. “Are you fucking kidding me Danny. Why? Don’t you know what that man has been through? What physiological shit like that does to man of Steve’s caliber?” I didn't say anything again, I just let my facial reactions be my response. Joe on the other hand began chuckling, “ You really don't know.” He paused. “Well since you must be blind, I’ll fill you in. SEALs aren't suppose to let anything get in the way of the end goal, anything. But for some unfathomable reason, you crawled under his skin and stayed. Did you know you were the reason he took the offer for Five-O? Did you know that he has been madly in love with you forever? Did you know that he if he dies, he left his house to you and your children?” 

“He did?!” I questioned, tears began forming at my eyes. Fuck Steven. I've loved Steve forever, never thought I would ever have a chance. Hell, I still might never have a chance. Joe rolled his eyes, “And he speaks! Yes he did! He loves you, I mean after everything that has happened in his life, you are one of the reasons he hasn't killed himself!” There was multiple gasps in the air, I couldn't tell if it came from everyone or just myself, I guess we all had the same thoughts. 

“Killed himself?” Chin questioned carefully. Joe scanned over all of us, looking us each in the eye for a few moments. “Of course he hasn't told you all, I wouldn't tell you either if this how you all act!” 

“Tell us what?”

 “ That boy has been suicidal since the day I met him. Hell when John had called me and told me his son was coming, Steve’s mental state was one of the first things he mentioned. Of course it wasn't as bad as it has been these days, but that's what being tortured and manipulated by many people will do to you. He’s had a few attempts here and there, Ive made him talk to the base therapist and he’s suppose to be taking medication for his nightmares and major depression too.” 

I had tears pour down my face, I was disgusted by my actions. How could I have added to Steve’s suffering ( even if I thought I had a good reason). “His last attempt, the therapist put him on medication for his night terrors. He’s hadn't been able to sleep for so long, it quite literally drove him off a bridge. Took him a few weeks to finally feel up to speaking to me. And I tell you what his couch isn't comfy, so it was a struggle.” Joe’s face began to become softer, as if his heart was breaking. 

All our hearts were breaking. 

“How long ago was that?” I questioned. As if he was a switch, Joe’s face began showing anger again. 

“About three weeks after the liver transplant.”  

Oh God, Steve.

"Wasn't he at reserves training?" Lou quipped. " Son, are you serious? He hasn't told you about other things and your surprised he lied about reserves training?"

"No, I'm not surprised at all. There is just something freaky about knowing the lie someone told you to your face was cover the fact they were going to kill themselves. " I was fully on sobbing like a little baby when Lou finished his sentence. It was as if I could feel of of Steve's pain, it hurt. " So the truth is out about Steve, so Danny you want to Pony up and tell us anything?" He cocked an eyebrow and began staring me down.

Still sobbing I cleared my throat,

"Yeah, I love him more than he knows."

 


End file.
